Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
