Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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