Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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