I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.