My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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