my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Randomize
