sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
