why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
