I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
