P.S. I can't hear my feet
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You were trust falling into bushes
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
