My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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