it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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