Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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