My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
