i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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