It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize