I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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