I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
