So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
where are you?
Hypothermia
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
