I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
