I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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