his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
