i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
