You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
