You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
