There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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