tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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