Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
