Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
