I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize