tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
