i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
