Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sober January is a disaster.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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