i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
