Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
