I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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