Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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