she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
