you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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