I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
