I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
