The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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