No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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