If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
