i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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