I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
