Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Can I color on your dick again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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