I CAN MOONWALK!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
