Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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