While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
