I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
