you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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