what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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