I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
