there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
