i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
