got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
