I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
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I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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