I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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