the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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