saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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